Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Twelve Things You Can Stop Posting on Facebook

I'm the first to admit it.  I'm on Facebook way too much.  I'm kind of an addict.  I love to see my friend's lives, kids, jokes, dinner plates, cat videos, etc. each day.  I like to share my life on Facebook as well.  Warning:  don't follow me if you don't want to read about cute toddlers, gluten-free cupcakes, essential oils, kale smoothies or Justin Timberlake.  
Selfie Alert!!!

But some of ya'll.  (Long pause…picture me shaking my head)  You're about to get "unfollowed!" (picture me doing the Donald Trump fired hand).  Did you know that can happen to you?  Someone doesn't have to "unfriend" you…they just "unfollow you" so they don't have to put up with your annoying posts.  Sounds harsh??!  Well, it's true!

Here are my Twelve Things You Can Stop Posting On Facebook…and not get unfollowed.
(P.S.  I say all this in fun.  Kind of…)

1.  Anything that remotely involves vomit.  You vomiting.  Your kids vomiting.  How often.  How you had to clean it up.  No one wants to know.  Absolutely NO ONE.

2.  Disgusting photos and videos.  Your ingrown toenail, swollen tonsils, pink eye, infected chain saw wound.  Ew.  Just.  Ew.  And don't get me started on videos of white heads being popped.  Who films those things and who wants to watch it?

3.  Blog articles about vaccines, the republican/democratic party, pro-life/abortion, gun control, or how Obama is the Anti-Christ.  Please face it.  You're not going to change anyone's mind on either side of serious issues on Facebook.  Read and research all you want about such issues.  Consider the sources from which you are reading and researching.  Then talk amongst your friends or join a Facebook Group to vent your frustrations with the rest of the idiots in the world who don't share your same beliefs.  But some of the discussion on these issues is just ugly and divides people.  And really gets in the way of the cat video postings.

4. Passive-agressive posts.  "Don't you just hate it when SOME people are passive-agressive on Facebook and try to complain about someone without mentioning their name and it's like so junior high?"

5.  Jesus-Jukes.  A term coined by Jon Acuff.  In Acuff's words, "Nobody was ever juked to Jesus."   If you're a Christian and don't know about this…read his explanation.  And stop it.  http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/11/16/the-jesus-juke/.

6.  Game Requests.  STOP.  No one wants to play Candy Crush Saga Plus 5 or Gangsta Ninja Warrior with you.  (Or at least they don't want everyone on Facebook to know.)

7.  Quiz Results to what "Game of Thrones Character" or which "Disney Princess" you are.  Really?!  Who makes these things?

8.  Things that really belong on Pinterest.  That recipe you found for Bacon Encrusted Cream Cheese Cinnamon Rolls Baked in Mason Jars can be beautifully pinned, saved on a Pinterest board with all the other recipes you'll probably never make.  Next to your board of craft projects you'll never do.  Pinterest is incredible for these types of things.  Not Facebook.

9.  "Sexy" Selifies.  Don't get me wrong.  I for one…am a fan of the selfie.  Get in a pic once in a while! Document your life and your friends and kids.  But some selfies cross the line.  You know what I'm talking about.  Someone trying to be sexy but they actually come across as creepy or hilarious.  CC:  Kim Kardashian.

10.  Hateful commentary during award shows.  There's nothing more ironic than someone sitting at home eating pizza in their sweatpants and posting on Facebook how "dreadful" Keira Knightley looks on the red carpet.   Seriously?  My suggestion:  Reserve this hate for Twitter.  Be mean all ya want over on Twitter in real time as the show is going on. Then I'll just scroll on by and not have to read that ridiculousness for days on Facebook.  Hey... if you're really gutsy, tag the celebrity just to bring them down to earth and remind them how "ugly" and "untalented" they are.  Geez!

10.  Saying the word "GO!!!!" after a request.  For example:   "Best restaurants in Chicago.  Ready...GO!!"

I don't know why this bothers me so much.  But it does!  The rebellious brat in me just wants to fold my arms and not respond when you're demanding I answer your question right NOW!  Maybe rephrase to something similar like…"Best restaurants to eat in Chicago?" or   "Hey!  Going to Chicago.  Where should I eat?"  Ahhhh.  So much better.

11.  Debbie Downer Posts.  Everyone has a bad day.  And it's ok to be real.  But if every single one of your posts is about being sick, depressed, hating your job, Ebola, ISIS, etc. maybe it's time to change some things!  You're bumming everyone out.  You also might the kind of person who likes to comment on someone's post about their baby sleeping through the night…" Well, don't get used to it!  Haha!".

12.  The 1998 Email Forward Equivalent.   Such as "Repost this picture or 100 angels will die."  or "If you really love God, you'll send this to 5 friends."  BARF.  No thanks.

So.  What did I leave out?  Ready…GO!!!!  (hee hee)
(See #10 if you skimmed)
(Why did you skim? These are hilarious and life-changing!)